new dates

Last Friday, I attended a singing competition because my friend was going to compete in it. He didn't invite me, but I went anyway since my sister invited me to go with her. Things didn't turn out so good for my friend, and he was upset about his performance. To cheer him up, we agreed on a date set a week later.

Two days ago was Friday again, the day of our movie date. He wanted to watch Spiderman 2, and I had agreed. Before that, we had dinner and laughed and talked about everything under the sun. Then we rode to the cinema. He was gentle and sweet and made me feel special again like a woman who was supposed to be protected. In a way, I remembered feeling happy again being taken care of by someone else.

We saw each other quite often these few days since both of us are working on the same project all week, and it felt good to be around someone who takes care of my needs and listens to me. The only problem is, I'm not ready yet.

With him, I realized something else. I wanted to go on dates again, but I don't want to have a relationship right now. I still need time to heal and the wounds are still fresh. Dates with him are fun, so perhaps there is something else around the corner. I will just have to wait and see.

未拆的禮物，沒機會拆了。

是時候整理書櫃和桌子，
把棉被摺好疊起來，
小心端午節還沒過，
棉被仍然需要不能收。

旋律從早唸書開始播放，
也許房間太安靜，
一部又一部的影片看完了，
最愛的電視劇也有結局。

我呢？
我的心，是否有結局？
有的，時間一定會讓我有的。

收拾房間的同時，
聽著同一首歌，
那時還有一個我們的時候，
我最愛的一首歌了，
因為它讓我想起你，
想起你以後對我求婚的幻想。

你是我這一生等了半世未拆的禮物

這份愛太貴重捧在掌心再沒有假如

不怕把你背在我的肩上走一輩子路

只怕一個人吃苦    會讓兩個人孤獨

一年前無意間發現品冠的新歌，

那時候的好聽浪漫讓我陶醉。

一年後的我不再浪漫經歷百變，

有些東西也不再扣緊心弦了。

然後翻出收藏、埋藏的回憶，

一個一個慢慢回味，

原來以前的你那麼浪漫。

是時間和現實都拉回一切嗎？

我不願意承認，卻也不得不承認，

分開的日子你我已經走遠了。

我不再浪漫，不再幻想；

你不再留戀，不再期待。

有些回憶只適合收在金盒子。

曾經的笑容不再，你看，往事只能回味。

罷了

房間收拾好了，心情收拾好了。

笑一笑吧，明天買杯星巴克獎賞自己去。

我想念我的 Ristretto Bianco

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kCWBIPFVbw0

豆漿情緣

不哭了，
親愛的，
不哭了，
別在夜裡哭了。

這是反覆對自己說的話。

親愛的我，
會好好的，
不是嗎？

清明節快到了，
一年前的我，
這時候在臺中，
在遠方與家人團聚。

一年前的你，
為了我們的愛情，
開始寫只給我看的
部落格，
只為了讓我走進你的心。

時光的流失，
兩人逐漸的忙碌，
開始遺忘那一起的平臺。

一年後的我，
漆黑的夜裡想起它，
翻閱回那個曾經，
然後心如刀割一回。

我是不是有自虐傾向？

心痛了，痛得悱惻，
把自己的尊嚴放得卑微。
難道一切值得嗎？

我們如何認識啊？

噢。。
以前窮的日子，
習慣搭車上班。

還記得嗎？

你是我第一天上班遇見的第一個人。
我們是一起搭上同一班車到同一個地點。

你是我最後一天上班陪我到最後的人。
你因我撞車載我到家門口了。

早上喝豆漿的時候，
傻笑了。

其實還沒認識你之前的我，
不太喜歡喝豆漿，對它沒什麼感覺。
因為你堅持送來的豆漿，
來到臺灣後想你都會喝豆漿回味。
久了，原來它融入我的世界，
而你離開了，諷刺嗎？

那杯子還收著，
彷彿有它還有一絲氣息。
信箋也都還在，
照片一個都沒少，
可是我已知道結束。

豆漿，是時候打翻了。

看清

那夜哭了，我終於來到崩潰的邊緣。
我最害怕的事情終於發生了，
因為崩潰了、哭過了、我便不再為你哭泣。
就如以前一樣，最後一次地哭泣，
以後也不再為那個人掉一滴眼淚。
你我之間永遠劃上一道界線，
因為我不容許第二次的傷害。

「這段日子不斷與你聯絡，放下面子找你，
因為我想修復感情。其實我想知道的是，
你心裡還有沒有我？
如果有，我們一起努力好嗎？
如果沒有，至少我知道該怎麼做了。」

「我心裡的感覺很複雜，一時給不到答案。
我喜歡你，因為你真的在我心裡起了許多漣漪。
我不喜歡你，因為當你鬧情緒時讓我不知所措。
我想你，每次到了浪漫的地方都想你在身邊。
我不想你，我們的相處方式讓我覺得很累。
我需要一個不去想這種事情的時間，
也許很鴕鳥，所以我瀟灑地放手。」

「我只需要一個答案，我有我的尊嚴。
最起碼如果你不喜歡我了，我以後會有分寸些。」

「你看，我只要稍微奢望擁有這段感情，你就鬧脾氣了。」

所以一切的一切，歸根究底是我的錯了。

原來你曾經奢望過讓我再次走進你世界，
我怎麼都看不出來了？
噢，因為我一直在努力走進你世界，
忘記看你是否願意開門給我了。

在你心裡，
我應該守候這份愛情，
我應該努力保持感情的溫度，
我應該繼續過生活之餘還要把你挂在心上，
但我不能有要求，不能知道答案。
我需要耐心等待，等待大人您有時間了，
你可以放下工作，放下活動，
放下身邊的同事、朋友和家人，
好好坐下來，才慢慢想想這樣的女人，
這為了你為了愛默默付出承受一切的女人，
值不值得你再次花費心思來愛。

你可以不承認，你可以當好人，
你可以把自己說得很有道理，
你甚至可以說對我這種不明白你的人，
你不想再跟我多說什麼了。
把自己化成為了前途、為了家庭，
不得不放棄愛情的可憐男人。

但請你記得，我是人家的女兒。
我是媽媽懷胎十個月生下來的女兒，
我是爸爸永遠的掌上明珠懷裡的寶貝，
我是哥哥眼裡最好最疼愛最美麗可愛的妹妹。
也請你記得，我爸爸、媽媽、哥哥和我，
都為了前途，為了我們各自的事業拼搏，
但我們從來不會因為這樣犧牲了對我們重要的人。
我們更明白這些重要的人對我們何等重要，
所以我們珍惜一切，不放棄一切。

你，選擇放棄。

別忘了，你忙於你的工作，活動，生活等，
我也忙於課業，活動，助教，開會，生活，朋友，家庭。
我並沒有過得比你更清閒，
我只是懂得分配時間，分辨輕重。

我當晚生氣麼。。。
非常生氣。。。
可是生氣之餘，心裡也涼了，因為看清。
原來我是備胎，我是你寂寞才想到的人，
是你有空閒的時候才會想找的人。

你說，你要一個不會煩你，
可以獨立，不粘人的女人。
我兩個星期才找你聊天一次，太常了，
你受不了我這種黏人的程度。

親愛的，你要的女人，不存在。
親愛的，你要的女人，不愛你。
親愛的，你要的女人，在夢裡。

你明白我的話嗎？
你不需要明白，到哪天你自然會懂的。

我對自己沒有遺憾，沒有後悔了。
曾經認真過，嘗試過，不放棄過了，
既然緣分盡了，就了卻了吧。
我還有我的康莊大道，
也知道自己的價值，
所以我的未來很璀璨。
而你，祝你安康。

女人，成熟的女人，要懂得放手。
瀟灑、灑脫，是最好的美麗。
被男人脫下層層皮套在耳邊說甜言蜜語後，
要懂得為自己穿好衣服，整理儀容，
為自己擦乾眼淚，為自己畫上彩妝，
笑着面對世界，相信還有美麗存在。
成熟的男人會知道你的價值，
成熟的男人不會為了其他事情放棄你，
成熟的男人知道愛情與麵包一樣重要。
女人，要懂得對自己好了。

Priorities

The next time you say you're busy, know that it's an excuse. If you truly prioritize something, you will make time for it. Be it relationships, friendships, or something else — you always have time for anything if you make time.

I've missed you, so much. I thought I could move on. After all, leaving is a part of life, but as it turns out the pain is still there. I've learned to ignore it, but it never goes away. Laugh at me, scorn at me, if you must, because you are my priority and have always been. I am intelligent and wise enough to carry on with life, but I value relationships, any kind of relationships, above everything else. You decide to value everything else above me, and I can't say you're wrong, because everyone has their own priorities, but I wished I'd known or care more about this fact before when I first met you. That way, I wouldn't get hurt in the end.

The photo was taken a year ago, and you gave me a picture of it on my 21st birthday. I still kept it, treasuring it as part of what was and what will never be. I hold on to everything about us dearly, waiting and hoping you'd return and everything will be back to normal. Still, I can't help noticing you moving on. We both moved on in life, so we are equals. Yet in relationships, you… moved on quicker than I've ever imagined.

Perhaps I should take the advice of others. Realizing that I was never that important to you, because you were always too busy for me.




The colors faded with time… Yellowed with age and tinted over time, it serves as a reminder of sweet memories and only memories…

Leaving and Staying

As you pack up your belongings, I can only sit and watch. What have our relationship grown into? Unsaid words and unfulfilled promises lie between us, making our gap grow wider every day. Then comes the tide when we finally face our problems and say goodbye. So goodbye it is.

"Don't go. I'll be good, I promise."
"I'm sorry. I know you're hurt, but I have to leave."
"What have I done? I'll change, just don't leave."
"Goodbye darling. Goodbye."
A kiss on the forehead… An image of a man leaving…
The gait, the shoulders, they look so familiar…
The man turns around to wave goodbye…
And I wake up with my heart beating loudly…

"Sorry girl, I love you, but I just can't be with you anymore."

"Why? I came all the way to see you."

"It's not that. It's just, we're done, and that’s all."

Dropping to her knees, she cried until her heart broke…

And I wake up with a pain in my chest…

I thought everything would be ok once I got back to school. Turns out, I stopped feeling the pain during my waking moments, only to have them pestering me while I am asleep. Dreams like these never stop. They will be gone one day and back the next. I never knew when I would dream and see your face again, only to wake up with a heartache burning. As I stare up into space, happy images of us floated before me.

That golden box stored your letters from before. I tried not to open them now since I’ve become busier, but old habits are hard to cure. The cute little parcel I got last year sits beside the box, waiting to be delivered, and I know it will gather dust because I will never have the courage to give it to you. I tried to hate you, to know that hating you is better and easier for me to let go, but I can’t.

When my mind is relax and empty, thoughts of you crept back and enter my dreams. Somehow, telling you about how I feel is not an option now because you think I am immature to hold on tightly to an empty space. I tried to be strong and cold and mature as you’d like me to be, but perhaps you were right. I lack the courage to let go. You left, and I stayed, as I once did.

new room, new roommates, old friendships

Living together for one year and a half, it seems like we will always be roommates throughout our university life. Still, when fate decides it's the end, we still end up going different ways.

I used to think that I never have a lot of things with me. Turns out I actually accumulate a lot more stuff that I had imagined. Several trips to my new room still isn't enough for me to completely move everything over. Once I had settled down though, my new place is really quite nice.

New friendships must be made anyway. Some bonds must be strengthened again and some bonds to maintain as well. I miss my old room, old place, and old roommates. The three of us had a lot of fun back then. We still do now, but lesser.

Going separate ways made us realize how important each of us have become to one another. Open confidentiality will not be so easy to achieve, and friendships might be harder to maintain.

Sleeping in a new bed, old dreams kept visiting me though. Missing someone is like having a constant heartache, knowing that I have lost them forever. The gap between us is far too wide to bridge now, and I don't think we are motivated to bridge that gap anyway.

I still kept the letters. Someday, they will be nothing but faded memories.

Futile dreams

"I'm so glad to see you. I don't want to let go now…"

That's the dream I've been having for the past few days. You were there, holding my hand, smiling at me in that unique way of yours, and telling me you will never go away again.

Then I'm awake with my palms sweating and heart beating.

Somehow in my dreams, I knew you were lying, and that you will still leave eventually.

It's weird when you leave. It's like I left a piece of myself with you, and I can't seem to get that back now. To be honest, I hated feeling vulnerable and weak. I hated crying every time I think of you. I hated knowing that you have that much influence over me. I hated for being a fool once again.

My days are still pretty much the same as usual. Going to class, maintaining my position, holding meetings and discussions, hanging out with college friends, dining with buddies, making fun with my roommates bla bla bla… what else could I ask for? I have to admit though, I miss you deep down inside me.

It's in the middle of spring now, and there are lots of rainy days. Nearly everyday is a rainy day, but the weather is not so cold as it used to be last winter, so I guess there's not much for me to complain. After spring will come summer, and then, daddy plans to come over and visit, so that's one little hope for me. Growing up made me realize that life is nothing but living on hopes. If you never have hopes, then you might as well be dead. Lucky enough for me, I have more than enough hopes to keep me going.

So, back to the dream. I don't know what it is that made me dream of you every night, but soon, it'll all be gone, and we'll be in separate ways. Sad, but true. I have to let you go, to let myself fly high. The same rule applies to you, and that's why you let me go first.

A backpacking trip sounds like the perfect thing to plan now. I've been thinking about it ever since my freshman year, so why not plan for it now. After all, plans like these never goes out of date. Vietnam, Myanmar, and Thailand, here I come.

money problems

"A little discussion goes a long way…"

Yeah, right. And it also ends your dream, doesn't it?

It's funny when time suddenly freezes and one gets the chance to look at everything again carefully. We started recognizing patterns, discovering clues, and forming new opinions. It seems as if the signs were there before, but I could not be bothered to take a good look.

"Money, money, money, must be funny, in a rich man's world…"

Sure it is. Here I am, worried sick over the extra tuition fees I have to pay, and thinking if I were a rich man, this will never be a problem.

I keep telling myself that this is not a big problem, it is not the end of the world yet, that I still have time to find myself a sponsor or a scholarship, but deep down inside me, I know somehow my dreams have just crash into oblivion.

I have been looking through endless websites searching for sponsors and scholarships, but they all seem to hit a dead end. Either I am not eligible for it, or my choice of study is not listed as a sponsor in it. It all seems really easy months ago, when I thought I was finally going for an exchange. Turns out I didn't read the fine print that says it's a study abroad experience, not an exchange.

Since there is nothing left to do but wait until an acceptance letter or a rejecting one, I can only wait. Meanwhile, I have to stay on the positive side and live life to the fullest.

Untitled

As an English major, I should have written more often in English, but as I scrolled back the posts, 99% of it consists of Chinese. It made me wonder how I can do that with my very mediocre Chinese.

It's February now, with the winter holidays behind me and the start of a new semester. By June I would have progressed on to Year 3. How frightening, when it seems as if I've only been here for a short while.

A lot has happened during the holidays. The family feud carried on and it looks like another disaster is brewing its way. Friendships changed over the years, and my favorite teacher lost his child. And I, I lost something precious that I had hold dear to my heart.

The things that I have been working on have taken on a more definite shape. It's funny when a year ago everything was still a dream, and now I can almost touch it. Still, it is scary because I have put so much hope into it, things tend to get jinx and work out not okay in the end.

In some ways, being busy about my affairs is an excuse for me to forget whatever pain I have left. I miss the carefree days, miss being Mindless Me just going about my daily life, miss the innocence that I once have. Growing up has always been my wish to signify independence at last, but in the end it made me realize that I never really wanted to grow up that much. Just a little, to satisfy my little ambition.

Walking towards my dream, I knew I needed it to break off one year abroad. Maybe that's where I belong, and I need to find out if it really is.

不語一月

我終於回來了，
回到屬於我的地方，
卻又多了陌生的味道，
原來世界變了。。

2013年的文章剛好99篇，
365天讓我慢慢寫，
但卻破不到一百篇文章，
原來有些事情選擇淡忘。
記載得多，心裡收的，
更多。
心中的包袱越來越沈重，
寧願一件件放下、遺忘。

你說得對，
有時候放手，
是最好的解決。

其實，在你還沒說之前，
我早懂了放風箏的道理。
你的例子我在十四歲時，
早懂了。

風箏，要讓它飛的高、飛得遠，
線不能拉得太緊，
不然它永遠飛不好。
拉得緊了，搞不好扯一下還斷了。
放風箏的技巧在於，
拿捏箏線、看準風向，就夠了。

我以為，記憶中美麗的夏天會伴隨我，
可到最後冷酷的冬天還是勝了，
終究熬不過還是熬不過。
我的堅持，在那一瞬間化為烏有。
我到底堅持著甚麼？

我堅持的，只有那一句不離開。
當下的畫面是我最幸福的日子。
你還記得，那句不離開怎說嗎？
不重要了，因為只存在回憶裡。

那天之前，我總覺得好累。。
甚麼話都不想說，
甚麼事都不想幹，
純粹讓日子過著。
我怨你做不到你的答應，
我氣你自以為是的沒事。
心裡好痛、好痛，你知道嗎？
因為你，我覺得卑微了。

一整夜的落淚，
隔天眼睛紅腫不發一語，
這些只能說自己又傻了。
緣份盡了，也只能這樣。
那晚之後，的確輕鬆許多，
但也空虛了不少，
這是代價嗎？

然後，我以為的不回頭，
是我一貫的作風，
也需要改變。
長大了嗎？
事情永遠無絕對，
我又何必把自己逼到死角裡去？
放手，讓彼此有後路可退，
以後見面至少心寬了既不更好？
好多事情明白了，只是不想明白，
因為明白以後卻不是我要的方向。
可就像你說的，別的方向更好呢？

媽媽說得對，
我是那沒有腳的小鳥。
我不願意停靠太久，
我沒有安定的念頭，
所以緣分不會守在我身邊。
我只能，在最後飛累了，
停下來以後，才有緣分。

結束了吧，今夜以後便結束了。
我不再逼使自己，也放手了你，
大家過得輕鬆一些。
若干年後，願你，願我，
都展翅高飛，望自己的目標翱翔。

我仍然守護著一份關愛，
也許以後你的孩子跟我有緣。