看清

那夜哭了，我終於來到崩潰的邊緣。
我最害怕的事情終於發生了，
因為崩潰了、哭過了、我便不再為你哭泣。
就如以前一樣，最後一次地哭泣，
以後也不再為那個人掉一滴眼淚。
你我之間永遠劃上一道界線，
因為我不容許第二次的傷害。

「這段日子不斷與你聯絡，放下面子找你，
因為我想修復感情。其實我想知道的是，
你心裡還有沒有我？
如果有，我們一起努力好嗎？
如果沒有，至少我知道該怎麼做了。」

「我心裡的感覺很複雜，一時給不到答案。
我喜歡你，因為你真的在我心裡起了許多漣漪。
我不喜歡你，因為當你鬧情緒時讓我不知所措。
我想你，每次到了浪漫的地方都想你在身邊。
我不想你，我們的相處方式讓我覺得很累。
我需要一個不去想這種事情的時間，
也許很鴕鳥，所以我瀟灑地放手。」

「我只需要一個答案，我有我的尊嚴。
最起碼如果你不喜歡我了，我以後會有分寸些。」

「你看，我只要稍微奢望擁有這段感情，你就鬧脾氣了。」

所以一切的一切，歸根究底是我的錯了。

原來你曾經奢望過讓我再次走進你世界，
我怎麼都看不出來了？
噢，因為我一直在努力走進你世界，
忘記看你是否願意開門給我了。

在你心裡，
我應該守候這份愛情，
我應該努力保持感情的溫度，
我應該繼續過生活之餘還要把你挂在心上，
但我不能有要求，不能知道答案。
我需要耐心等待，等待大人您有時間了，
你可以放下工作，放下活動，
放下身邊的同事、朋友和家人，
好好坐下來，才慢慢想想這樣的女人，
這為了你為了愛默默付出承受一切的女人，
值不值得你再次花費心思來愛。

你可以不承認，你可以當好人，
你可以把自己說得很有道理，
你甚至可以說對我這種不明白你的人，
你不想再跟我多說什麼了。
把自己化成為了前途、為了家庭，
不得不放棄愛情的可憐男人。

但請你記得，我是人家的女兒。
我是媽媽懷胎十個月生下來的女兒，
我是爸爸永遠的掌上明珠懷裡的寶貝，
我是哥哥眼裡最好最疼愛最美麗可愛的妹妹。
也請你記得，我爸爸、媽媽、哥哥和我，
都為了前途，為了我們各自的事業拼搏，
但我們從來不會因為這樣犧牲了對我們重要的人。
我們更明白這些重要的人對我們何等重要，
所以我們珍惜一切，不放棄一切。

你，選擇放棄。

別忘了，你忙於你的工作，活動，生活等，
我也忙於課業，活動，助教，開會，生活，朋友，家庭。
我並沒有過得比你更清閒，
我只是懂得分配時間，分辨輕重。

我當晚生氣麼。。。
非常生氣。。。
可是生氣之餘，心裡也涼了，因為看清。
原來我是備胎，我是你寂寞才想到的人，
是你有空閒的時候才會想找的人。

你說，你要一個不會煩你，
可以獨立，不粘人的女人。
我兩個星期才找你聊天一次，太常了，
你受不了我這種黏人的程度。

親愛的，你要的女人，不存在。
親愛的，你要的女人，不愛你。
親愛的，你要的女人，在夢裡。

你明白我的話嗎？
你不需要明白，到哪天你自然會懂的。

我對自己沒有遺憾，沒有後悔了。
曾經認真過，嘗試過，不放棄過了，
既然緣分盡了，就了卻了吧。
我還有我的康莊大道，
也知道自己的價值，
所以我的未來很璀璨。
而你，祝你安康。

女人，成熟的女人，要懂得放手。
瀟灑、灑脫，是最好的美麗。
被男人脫下層層皮套在耳邊說甜言蜜語後，
要懂得為自己穿好衣服，整理儀容，
為自己擦乾眼淚，為自己畫上彩妝，
笑着面對世界，相信還有美麗存在。
成熟的男人會知道你的價值，
成熟的男人不會為了其他事情放棄你，
成熟的男人知道愛情與麵包一樣重要。
女人，要懂得對自己好了。

Priorities

The next time you say you're busy, know that it's an excuse. If you truly prioritize something, you will make time for it. Be it relationships, friendships, or something else — you always have time for anything if you make time.

I've missed you, so much. I thought I could move on. After all, leaving is a part of life, but as it turns out the pain is still there. I've learned to ignore it, but it never goes away. Laugh at me, scorn at me, if you must, because you are my priority and have always been. I am intelligent and wise enough to carry on with life, but I value relationships, any kind of relationships, above everything else. You decide to value everything else above me, and I can't say you're wrong, because everyone has their own priorities, but I wished I'd known or care more about this fact before when I first met you. That way, I wouldn't get hurt in the end.

The photo was taken a year ago, and you gave me a picture of it on my 21st birthday. I still kept it, treasuring it as part of what was and what will never be. I hold on to everything about us dearly, waiting and hoping you'd return and everything will be back to normal. Still, I can't help noticing you moving on. We both moved on in life, so we are equals. Yet in relationships, you… moved on quicker than I've ever imagined.

Perhaps I should take the advice of others. Realizing that I was never that important to you, because you were always too busy for me.




The colors faded with time… Yellowed with age and tinted over time, it serves as a reminder of sweet memories and only memories…

Leaving and Staying

As you pack up your belongings, I can only sit and watch. What have our relationship grown into? Unsaid words and unfulfilled promises lie between us, making our gap grow wider every day. Then comes the tide when we finally face our problems and say goodbye. So goodbye it is.

"Don't go. I'll be good, I promise."
"I'm sorry. I know you're hurt, but I have to leave."
"What have I done? I'll change, just don't leave."
"Goodbye darling. Goodbye."
A kiss on the forehead… An image of a man leaving…
The gait, the shoulders, they look so familiar…
The man turns around to wave goodbye…
And I wake up with my heart beating loudly…

"Sorry girl, I love you, but I just can't be with you anymore."

"Why? I came all the way to see you."

"It's not that. It's just, we're done, and that’s all."

Dropping to her knees, she cried until her heart broke…

And I wake up with a pain in my chest…

I thought everything would be ok once I got back to school. Turns out, I stopped feeling the pain during my waking moments, only to have them pestering me while I am asleep. Dreams like these never stop. They will be gone one day and back the next. I never knew when I would dream and see your face again, only to wake up with a heartache burning. As I stare up into space, happy images of us floated before me.

That golden box stored your letters from before. I tried not to open them now since I’ve become busier, but old habits are hard to cure. The cute little parcel I got last year sits beside the box, waiting to be delivered, and I know it will gather dust because I will never have the courage to give it to you. I tried to hate you, to know that hating you is better and easier for me to let go, but I can’t.

When my mind is relax and empty, thoughts of you crept back and enter my dreams. Somehow, telling you about how I feel is not an option now because you think I am immature to hold on tightly to an empty space. I tried to be strong and cold and mature as you’d like me to be, but perhaps you were right. I lack the courage to let go. You left, and I stayed, as I once did.

new room, new roommates, old friendships

Living together for one year and a half, it seems like we will always be roommates throughout our university life. Still, when fate decides it's the end, we still end up going different ways.

I used to think that I never have a lot of things with me. Turns out I actually accumulate a lot more stuff that I had imagined. Several trips to my new room still isn't enough for me to completely move everything over. Once I had settled down though, my new place is really quite nice.

New friendships must be made anyway. Some bonds must be strengthened again and some bonds to maintain as well. I miss my old room, old place, and old roommates. The three of us had a lot of fun back then. We still do now, but lesser.

Going separate ways made us realize how important each of us have become to one another. Open confidentiality will not be so easy to achieve, and friendships might be harder to maintain.

Sleeping in a new bed, old dreams kept visiting me though. Missing someone is like having a constant heartache, knowing that I have lost them forever. The gap between us is far too wide to bridge now, and I don't think we are motivated to bridge that gap anyway.

I still kept the letters. Someday, they will be nothing but faded memories.

Futile dreams

"I'm so glad to see you. I don't want to let go now…"

That's the dream I've been having for the past few days. You were there, holding my hand, smiling at me in that unique way of yours, and telling me you will never go away again.

Then I'm awake with my palms sweating and heart beating.

Somehow in my dreams, I knew you were lying, and that you will still leave eventually.

It's weird when you leave. It's like I left a piece of myself with you, and I can't seem to get that back now. To be honest, I hated feeling vulnerable and weak. I hated crying every time I think of you. I hated knowing that you have that much influence over me. I hated for being a fool once again.

My days are still pretty much the same as usual. Going to class, maintaining my position, holding meetings and discussions, hanging out with college friends, dining with buddies, making fun with my roommates bla bla bla… what else could I ask for? I have to admit though, I miss you deep down inside me.

It's in the middle of spring now, and there are lots of rainy days. Nearly everyday is a rainy day, but the weather is not so cold as it used to be last winter, so I guess there's not much for me to complain. After spring will come summer, and then, daddy plans to come over and visit, so that's one little hope for me. Growing up made me realize that life is nothing but living on hopes. If you never have hopes, then you might as well be dead. Lucky enough for me, I have more than enough hopes to keep me going.

So, back to the dream. I don't know what it is that made me dream of you every night, but soon, it'll all be gone, and we'll be in separate ways. Sad, but true. I have to let you go, to let myself fly high. The same rule applies to you, and that's why you let me go first.

A backpacking trip sounds like the perfect thing to plan now. I've been thinking about it ever since my freshman year, so why not plan for it now. After all, plans like these never goes out of date. Vietnam, Myanmar, and Thailand, here I come.

money problems

"A little discussion goes a long way…"

Yeah, right. And it also ends your dream, doesn't it?

It's funny when time suddenly freezes and one gets the chance to look at everything again carefully. We started recognizing patterns, discovering clues, and forming new opinions. It seems as if the signs were there before, but I could not be bothered to take a good look.

"Money, money, money, must be funny, in a rich man's world…"

Sure it is. Here I am, worried sick over the extra tuition fees I have to pay, and thinking if I were a rich man, this will never be a problem.

I keep telling myself that this is not a big problem, it is not the end of the world yet, that I still have time to find myself a sponsor or a scholarship, but deep down inside me, I know somehow my dreams have just crash into oblivion.

I have been looking through endless websites searching for sponsors and scholarships, but they all seem to hit a dead end. Either I am not eligible for it, or my choice of study is not listed as a sponsor in it. It all seems really easy months ago, when I thought I was finally going for an exchange. Turns out I didn't read the fine print that says it's a study abroad experience, not an exchange.

Since there is nothing left to do but wait until an acceptance letter or a rejecting one, I can only wait. Meanwhile, I have to stay on the positive side and live life to the fullest.